By Kid Thomas
Behold the Supreme Court’s Code of Conduct (excerpted and annotated for clarity):
The undersigned Justices are promulgating this Code of Conduct to set out succinctly and gather in one place the [only] ethics rules and principles that [ought to] guide the conduct of the Members of the Court. For the most part these rules and principles are [] new: The Court has long had the equivalent of common law ethics rules, that is, a body of rules derived from a variety of sources, including [Marvel comics, skull and bones, the Birchers, and pure self-interest]. The absence of a Code, however, has led in recent years to the []understanding that the Justices of this Court, unlike all other jurists in this country, regard themselves as unrestricted by any[thing or anyone]. To [soothe the baaa-ing of sheep], we are issuing this Code, which largely represents a codification of principles that we have long [mischaracterized] as [irrelevant].
NOVEMBER 13, 2023
CODE OF CONDUCT FOR JUSTICES OF THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
CANON 1: [ABSENT CAUSE,] A JUSTICE SHOULD UPHOLD THE INTEGRITY AND INDEPENDENCE OF THE JUDICIARY.
A Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States should maintain and observe high standards of conduct in order to preserve the integrity and independence of the federal judiciary, [unless valuable consideration dictates otherwise].
CANON 2: A JUSTICE SHOULD [STATE PUBLICLY THEY TRY TO] AVOID IMPROPRIETY AND THE APPEARANCE OF IMPROPRIETY IN ALL ACTIVITIES.
A. RESPECT FOR LAW. A Justice should [appear to] respect and comply with the law and act at [expedient] times in a manner that promotes public confidence in the integrity and impartiality of the judiciary.
B. OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. [Excepting only the Wall Street Journal and Federalist Society:] A Justice should not allow [any] relationship[] to influence official conduct or judgment. A Justice should neither knowingly lend the prestige of the judicial office to advance the private interests of the Justice or others nor knowingly convey or permit others to convey the impression that they are in a special position to influence the Justice. A Justice should not testify voluntarily as a character witness[, unless in support of der Führer Donald].
CANON 3: A JUSTICE SHOULD PERFORM THE DUTIES OF OFFICE FAIRLY, IMPARTIALLY, AND DILIGENTLY.
A. RESPONSIBILITIES. [Absent strong feelings to the contrary,] A Justice should not be swayed by partisan interests, public clamor, or fear of criticism. A Justice should participate in matters assigned, unless disqualified, and should maintain order and decorum in judicial proceedings. A Justice should be patient, dignified, respectful, and courteous to all individuals with whom the Justice deals in an official capacity[, except for attorneys appearing for environmental groups before the Court]. A Justice should not engage in behavior that is harassing, abusive, prejudiced, or biased[, unless doing so makes that Justice happy]. A Justice should not retaliate against those who report misconduct[, but hey, it’s only natural]. Except as provided by [gut instinct], a Justice should not initiate, permit, or consider ex parte communications or consider other communications concerning a pending or impending matter that are made outside the presence of [God,] the parties or their lawyers. [Justices other than Alito] should not knowingly make public comment on the merits of a matter pending or impending in any court. The prohibition on public comment on the merits of a matter does not extend to public statements made in the course of the Justice’s official duties[, like stream of conscious murmurings at the country club].
B. DISQUALIFICATION.
(1) [For lack of anything better,] A Justice is presumed impartial and has an obligation to sit unless disqualified.
(2) [Only a justice may disqualify themselves.] [In a perfect world, which this is not,] A Justice should [be disqualified] in a proceeding in which the Justice’s impartiality might reasonably be questioned, that is, [anytime poisoned bait — e.g., a corporate interest, or socially or fiscally conservative view — is peddled at the Court].
CANON 4: A JUSTICE MAY [DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT].
A Justice may engage in extrajudicial activities. [Deal with it.]
CANON 5: A JUSTICE [NEED NOT] REFRAIN FROM POLITICAL ACTIVITY.
A Justice [may, if they choose or are directed to]: (1) act as a leader or hold any office in a political organization; (2) make speeches for a political organization or candidate, or publicly endorse or oppose a candidate for public office; or (3) solicit funds for, pay an assessment to, or make a contribution to a political organization or candidate, or attend or purchase a ticket for a dinner or other event sponsored by a political organization or candidate. A Justice should [probably] not engage in other political activity.
Very truly yours,
The Unrepentant
