Criticism is a part of life. How a person handles critics becomes more complicated when the criticizer has good intentions and/or is a family member, co-worker, friend, authority figure, etc.
In some ways, criticism seems to be a part of some sort of “natural selection” process in the business world, a “filter” that any aspiring person needs to overcome. Everyone on some level fears criticism, but it is those who overcome this fear that have any chance of amounting to anything. Simply put, anyone, who ever hopes to achieve anything, better learn to handle criticism and the criticizer.
From a mental perspective, most successful people either learn to ignore criticism or use it as motivation for improved and higher achievement. Regardless of your particular approach, however, communicating with the criticizer can be almost as difficult as suffering the criticism, and can either resolve or exacerbate the situation.
The most common response to criticism is to ignore the critic, deny the criticism, “strike back” with a criticism and/or to simply excuse the criticized behavior by explaining it or downplaying it. Ultimately, these approaches fail simply because the critic most of all wants to be heard and you are most likely to anger the critic and escalate the situation.
Instead, try to approach the critic in a calm, neutral manner and seek to understand the criticism. The most important thing is to ask for details and particulars about the criticism, so you can understand it and give the criticizer an opportunity to examine it. You can then either agree with the criticism or agree that the critic has a right to his or her opinion. Conclude with disclosure of your feelings and move on.
For example, if the criticism is accurate and valid, then agree with it, but do not put yourself down about it. For example, if the critic says, “You are going to be late for the meeting,” and it is true, then simply respond, “That is true, I am probably going to be late.” If you intend to act differently as a result of the criticism, then tell the critic that you will act differently in the future.
On the other hand, if you disagree with parts of the criticism, then disagree with the inaccurate parts and affirm your abilities and past successes. However, always agree with your critic’s right to an opinion by repeating it before self-disclosing. For example, “I respect your opinion, but … ;” “maybe I will regret not following your advice but … ;”
“You are definitely right that I do not want to give that up, but … .”
Often, these approaches may be limited simply because the critic has a different agenda, specifically trying to control you and your behavior. If the critic insists on more than your response and continually repeats a similar type of criticism, then the critic is now becoming a manipulator. Unfortunately, many times these “manipulators” have good intentions and/or are family members, close friends or people in authority, which makes it more difficult to resist. If this is the case and the critic begins simply repeating similar criticisms, then you should respond in kind by agreeing with the critic’s right to an opinion by repeating the critic’s words and signaling that you do not want to be manipulated.
For example, Samantha’s co-worker, John, wants her to volunteer to help collect donations for a local charity this coming weekend. While John may be very persistent and sometimes abrasive, he is a big supporter of the local community and well respected by his peers at the company for mustering support and making such charitable events successful. Samantha has occasionally volunteered and feels this is a good cause, but since she has been working weekends the past month, she promised her family she would spend a nice relaxing weekend with them without interruptions.
John: “Hi Samantha, I just wanted to confirm that you’ll be joining us this weekend to collect donations for Kids, Seniors, Dogs & Cats, Inc. at the local farmer’s market. I didn’t see your name on the sign-up sheet, so I figured you must have forgotten to sign up. You were such a big help last time, so I couldn’t imagine us doing it without you.”
Samantha: “I’m sorry John. I already made plans and committed to them before the announcement, but I would have liked to help. Maybe next time we can coordinate it together or just give me more notice so I don’t make plans. Thanks.”
John: “Plans? What plans could be more important?”
Samantha: “You’re right John, it is important, but I already made plans.”
John: “You’d be such a big help.”
Samantha: “You’re right, I probably would have been a big help, but I already made plans.”
John: “But you’re so good with people. I’m sure you’d be really good at it.”
Samantha: “John, it is nice of you to say I would be good at it, but I already have plans.”
John: “You know Sam, I thought I knew you better than that. It really sounds like you don’t care much about helping out the community.”
Samantha: “I don’t really see how you can think that, but if that is your opinion, then fine, but I already have plans.”
John: “Fine. I’ll make sure to give you more notice next time to make sure we can have you there. You would have done a great job.”
Samantha: “Like I said, I would have liked to, but I already made plans. Just let me know about the next time I can help. Thanks.”
John was very determined to have Samantha volunteer. John meant well, had good intentions and really wanted her to help with the event. Regardless of her opinion of John and his relentless pursuit of her help, Samantha’s response could have alienated John and some of her co-workers if not handled properly. Whether John was Samantha’s friend, boss, brother, husband, etc., it really doesn’t matter. Samantha was able to remain firm in a professional manner, ignore the criticism and not alienate the criticizer, which is very important in a working environment.
Ultimately, criticism is part of life and handling it can be complicated. With proper communication, we can do our best to resolve it and prevent the matter from escalating, continuing and/or repeating itself. æ
Frank D. Prestia is the co-founder and designated broker of Prestia Group, a commercial and investment real estate company. He can be reached at 206-624-9366 or Frank@prestiagroup.com, or you can visit his Web site at www.prestiagroup.com.
