I was bound to write something for the "Civility" issue, as civility is one of my hot buttons. I even co-authored a book about it. (Subtle hint: The paperback edition will be available soon.)
As someone who was brought up to obey all of the rules of civility, I become annoyed by people who disregard the code. Lawyers are surprising offenders, for our very profession is about rules: the law, ethical requirements and, less formally, the ways in which we interact with our colleagues and clients.
Lest I come across as too obsessively aggrieved, however, I solicited experiences from several colleagues. Here they are, shorn of identifying details for obvious reasons.
"I used to be in-house at a huge multi-national corporation - call it MegaCorp - known for its aggressiveness and tough culture. They were always pushing the regulatory envelope. The aggression crossed over to the personal side.
"Lawyers and businesspeople alike ignored the boundary that I always thought existed at the office door. Too often to remember, I'd be holding the phone up to my ear and talking when someone would charge through my door (we never closed them, a department rule) and stand and stare at me while I spoke. On a couple of occasions, the person actually started talking to me. Unfortunately, I was completely stunned the first 10 times this happened and didn't do what I should have, which is to ask my phone correspondent to hold a second and ask the trespasser to leave. Finally I learned to turn my back and slide down in my (large) chair. But nobody ever got the message. Too subtle, I guess.
"Another weird habit: A couple of times our general counsel walked up to me in the hallway and asked a question. I'd start answering, and, as I was in mid-sentence, he'd turn and walk away. The second time he did it, I nearly called out, "Hey, Mike, I'm talking here!' But I wasn't ready to start pursuing other interests, so I bit my tongue. I bore MegaCorp for longer than I could, and then life granted me a parole. I think that place was an example of how incivility simply becomes part of the culture, and no one remembers how to behave. It's dispiriting and dehumanizing."
As one would expect, negotiations set some people off. "We were the vendor of some software. The customer was only a consumer of it, so the lawyer on the other side didn't know the industry standards for software contracts. I was trying to explain why our damages exclusions were important.
"Speaking of civility, by the way, this guy was one of those guys who literally loves the sound of his own voice. He had a real radio voice, and he was always trying it out with dramatic stops and starts and pauses. And he was way too loud. I had to hold the receiver away from my ear. People ought to be more cognizant of how their voices affect people.
"Anyway, at one point he says, "Well, I don't mind excluding negligence, but not contract negligence.'
"I say, "Huh? What's contract negligence?'
"He pauses a long time for effect, then says, "Well, I don't know where you went to law school, but you ought to understand the concept.'
"I held my breath for a few seconds and kept telling myself something to the effect that the customer is always right. I wanted to say, well, where I went to law school, contracts and torts were pretty much different courses. I actually don't even remember how we resolved the issue, but I've never forgotten the occasion. I think the lesson is that if you find yourself being rude, ask yourself why. Is it actually because you're incompetent? In my experience, the best lawyers are the nicest."
"I was having kind of a tough time with a negotiation at one point because what the guy on the other side said didn't make any sense. To be gentle, I said, "I don't understand how that point applies to this situation.'
"He replied, "Well, if you don't understand it, perhaps I should explain it again, slower.'
"I should have said, you mean "more slowly,' but I let it pass.
"Later, when we disagreed on a point, he said, "I guess we have different legal opinions and with all due respect your legal opinion means nothing to me.'
"Watch out when someone says "with all due respect.' You're about to be insulted. That really is the key here; he wasn't treating me with any respect. Did he expect that that sort of behavior was going to advance the negotiation? Nothing is gained by behaving uncivilly to your adversary. In fact, if your adversary is annoying you, that's the time to take a deep breath and remember that thing about loving your neighbor."
Employment relationships also affect manners. "I was a first-year female associate when I attended a strategy meeting with our firm's practice group leader and the CEO of one of our major clients. So this was pretty important for me, and it was good exposure to an important client.
"Then right after the meeting started and the practice group leader introduced me, he said, "I know - you be Laura Petrie and I'll be Rob.' I was very embarrassed and felt that my credibility was gone. He laughed out loud then turned back to the matter at hand. Even aside from it being inappropriate and insensitive, the concept of us as Laura and Rob didn't even make sense.
"Later, he tossed a ream of documents at me. They fell on the floor, and he ignored me while I picked them up. As if his discourtesy was my fault? I began planning my escape from the firm at that moment.
"I don't know which boss was worse, him or the new manager whom, due to a merger, I was given at an in-house job. By this time, I was six years out of law school. At our very first meeting, this new manager came in and plopped down a hornbook. That was a bit disconcerting. Then he announced that he wanted my CV and an outline of the major points of the hornbook by the next Monday. Aside from the insult, I wondered what skills were supposed to be demonstrated by my outlining a treatise on law I wasn't even practicing. Anyway, it wasn't exactly the best way to build a collegial atmosphere. I left the company soon after."
******
But let's close on a happy note. I dreaded a negotiation when I discovered a partner in a huge New York firm was on the other side. Having practiced back east, I knew that New York lawyers often lived up to the cultural stereotype: Gruff was the nicest thing you could say about them. And this promised to be a protracted wrangle. I expected that this guy would yell, misrepresent my positions, call me a liar, set unrealistic deadlines, try to undermine me with my client and even mess with the redlines.
As it developed, however, I don't think I've ever been treated with such complete courtesy and respect. The process was less negotiation than collaboration - which our clients needed, because they were rather confused. Then several months after we were done, he had a conflict in an upcoming deal and sent his client to me, saying that he knew the matter would be handled with civility and reason. Aside from his sending me a client, he was also a great lawyer, thereby exemplifying the point made by one of our colleagues above: If you're good, you don't have to be mean. n
George W. Jarecke is the principal of The Practical Legal Writer LLC (www.practicallegalwriter.com), providing workshops and individual coaching in legal writing, and is the co-author of "Seeking Civility: Common Courtesy and the Common Law," from Dartmouth University Press of New England.
