By George Jarecke

For those who haven’t heard by now, The Anonymous Lawyer’s blog (www.anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com) was named by Time magazine as one of the coolest Web sites of 2005 (see http://www.time.com/time/2005/websites, then click on “blogs”). Although the blog is pure fiction and its author just passed the bar, the insights penned there are outrageous and hilarious. The blog purports to be written by a hiring partner in a big-time law firm -- in Los Angeles, from the clues.

For an idea of what a reader is getting into, what follows is a typical post:

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

One of the bizarre tax partners brought his dog into the office today. Ridiculous. Immediately, everyone’s attention was on the dog instead of where it belongs, staring into their computer screens. Associates were getting up, actually getting up out of their chairs, to go pet the dog, play with the dog, feed the dog, talk to the dog ... as if there aren’t enough animals in the office already.

The dog barked once. I told the tax partner to keep him quiet. Some of us are trying to work. There’s a peaceful quiet that pervades the halls of the firm, and it’s a good thing. We don’t need people making noise. Talking is for the restroom and the elevator. Not the workspace.

I overheard one of the associates say, “The dog really brings some life into this place. I don’t feel so alone.” I gave her some more work to do after I heard that. She’s supposed to feel alone. This isn’t just a regular business, where

people can go into their co-workers’ offices and chat about the weather or the stock market or their “relationship issues.” It’s a law firm. Time is billable. Time is money. Small talk doesn’t pay the bills. Every minute you’re talking to a co-worker is a minute the firm isn’t making any money off your presence, even though you’re still using the office supplies, eating the bagels, drinking the coffee, and consuming electricity. You’re overhead. And if you’re not earning your keep, you shouldn’t be here. No small talk. You’re not paid for small talk. You’re paid to sit at your desk and bill time to clients.

The dog is just a distraction, albeit at least when you’re talking to the dog only one of you is losing billable hours. Unless we can somehow train that dog to do something useful. Maybe eat some paper we need to destroy, and bill the client for that. Maybe he can bark at some opposing counsel and scare them into accepting our settlement. That we could bill. Maybe he could just pee on someone. Not billable, but fun to watch. Dogs in the office are almost as preposterous as holding the elevator for a paralegal. Ridiculous.

In an exclusive online interview for the Bar Bulletin, we had the occasion to pose some questions to The Anonymous Lawyer, who outed himself last year in a New York Times interview as Jeremy Blachman, a Harvard Law School 3L. Blachman has since graduated and passed the New York bar exam. He has been working full-time on an Anony-mous Lawyer novel and hopes to continue finding opportunities to write.

Q: What prompted you to begin writing the blog? Is it because, as some of your detractors claim, you’re actually a bitter shell of a man?

A: My colleagues were getting tired of my mass e-mails to the partnership complaining about the incompetence of our associates and support staff, so I figured I’d move my rants to a different forum.

Q: You used to invite people to post responses to your posts. Some of the responses were pretty brutal. Did you assume that they were simply from associates who realized that you wouldn’t have hired them?

A: I was surprised at some of the responses. I’d assumed we were creating an atmosphere at my firm far worse than most; the responses made me realize there’s a lot more we can do without standing out as being a particularly awful place to work.

Q: What does it take for an associate to make partner at your firm?

A: Two million dollars, allocated appropriately among the most influential partners in order to ensure enough votes at the annual meeting.

Q: Your role as hiring partner requires you to recruit on-campus. Which are your favorite and least favorite law schools? And, of course, why?

A: I’m reluctant to single out specific schools. I enjoy the ones where students are fighting an uphill battle to get a job at a large firm like mine. That makes the whole process just a touch more stressful for them, and it shows. There’s nothing more rewarding than watching a student try his or her hardest to hold back tears in the middle of the interview.

Q: What’s the best way for a law student to make a favorable impression on you and thereby receive an offer of employment from your firm?

A: Good grades, journal membership, and a complete lack of interests outside the law.

Q: Are you afraid that you might someday be identified? How would your partners (many of whom you deride) react?

A: I’m careful to change identifying details. Besides, most of my fellow partners are so deluded as to their own competence that they wouldn’t even recognize themselves in the blog.

Q: You’re pretty tough on Anonymous Wife: her drunkenness, sloth and lackluster intellect (your Christmas gift to her was a child’s toy remote control). Where do you see this relationship going?

A: I get my frustration out on the blog, not in person. I’m sure she’s noticed the change. She’s not as bad as I claim. She has her lucid moments.

Q: Are you worried that either Anonymous Son or Anonymous Daughter might want to become lawyers? Would you hire them to work at your firm?

A: I’m quite certain that after growing up with me as their father, they will not be tempted to follow in my footsteps. I wouldn’t wish this on them.

Q: As a hiring partner, are you ever tempted to act as a mentor to your new hires?

A: I hate that word. Someone calls me a “mentor” and suddenly I’m burdened with having to think about their needs. I don’t want that responsibility.

Q: You seem annoyed when associates resign right after they collect their bonuses. Wouldn’t you do the same thing in their position?

A: Perhaps, but that doesn’t make it right.

Q: Your firm abandoned its partners-only water fountain. Why?

A: Vandalism. Associates and support staff kept taking out their frustrations on it. It became too expensive to maintain. Now partners just drink bottled water in our offices. It’s safer for us that way.

Q: One last question. You’ve been on record as deriding lawyers working in “second-class cities,” such as Atlanta. I happen to work in Seattle. On a scale of one to 10, where 10 is the best, where do you rank Seattle? Careful: there are potential book sales at stake.

A: The city gets a 10; it’s the law firms that get a three or four. No self-respecting lawyer wants a job where he works merely 60 hours a week and gets to enjoy the outdoors. It’s not healthy to have a work-life balance. Work keeps you strong.

Q: Thanks, as always, for your candor. Good luck with your book, titled “Anonymous Lawyer,” due out from Henry Holt -- when?

A. The release date is July 25 of this year. Mostly new material that doesn’t appear on the weblog, new characters, and a plot running through it. If you enjoy the blog, you’ll enjoy the book.