Much has been written on the impact of divorce upon children. Some of these effects are obvious; however, the reasons for them and the ongoing nature of the psychological problems that have an ongoing effect on adult relationships are still important to understand.
It’s important to note at the outset that while children of divorce are at greater risk of psychological difficulties, most will not have major problems. In fact, studies show that 75% of the children of divorce do not end up having serious psychological, social or academic problems.
Some effects apply to certain age groups more than others and the likelihood and extent of these psychological effects depend on a number of factors. For example, preschool children have great difficulty coping with divorce because of their greater immaturity and fewer coping skills. Younger children often regress in their behavior (wetting/soiling, baby talk, social withdrawal/clinging) and young boys often act out, becoming aggressive with peers to get what they want, but breaking down in tears if it doesn’t work out.
Since boys act out more and mothers’ energy levels are likely decreased, the extra effort required to be effective disciplinarians isn’t there. Mothers may see the difficult son as being “just like his father,” making it harder to relate positively to the boy. Also, sons have lost substantial time with their same-sex parent, which often creates a greater sense of loss.
A final important factor affecting the child’s mental health is whether he or she has maintained a strong nurturing relationship with at least one adult, not necessarily a biological family member. School also is especially important during these years because of the need to belong and to experience success.
Anxiety Issues and Fear of Abandonment
From a child’s perspective, the unimaginable has happened — a parent is no longer at home. Children may be deeply afraid that the other parent is going to “disappear” too and leave them alone in the world.
Abandonment issues arise for several reasons. Parents tend to want to focus on having their own needs met after a divorce and to find happiness through new romantic relationships. Feelings of abandonment and confusion are only compounded when one or both parents find a new spouse. A second marriage brings complications and new emotions for children. New stepsiblings and stepparents often are perceived as vying for the parent’s attention.
In her landmark research, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, psychologist Judith Wallerstein provided an example of an adult child of divorce still affected by her parent’s new family. The adult child expressed it this way:
My loss was magnified as my father remarried and adopted a new “family.” Despite attempts on my part to keep in touch, we live in different cities, and his life now revolves around his new family with infrequent contact with me. This has only increased the feelings of abandonment and alienation from the divorce.
Sadness
Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, believing that the absent parent has gone forever and that they no longer have a family — a way of life is at an end. Their feelings mirror those of children who really have lost a parent forever, to accident or illness.
However, these feelings often are underestimated or overlooked so that children of divorce do not receive the same kind of support. Unmanaged, these feelings can deepen into depression.
Anger
Anger is a common emotional effect caused by lack of understanding or acceptance of the divorce, specific events and changes, emotions that children are not equipped to manage or express, and so on.
Children do not always show their anger, which happens more often when divorce brings a low-conflict marriage to an end because the reasons for the divorce are not so obvious. Children resent their parents for doing something that in their view is unnecessary.
Adult Children of Divorce
Research has borne out that adult children of divorce continue to cope with the emotions brought on by the divorce and experience greater anxiety in their adult romantic relationships.
In her book, Wallerstein followed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. She found that 25 years after a divorce, these children continued to experience effects from it.
The adults in Wallerstein’s study were especially challenged when they began to form their own romantic relationships. As Wallerstein explains, “Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage. ... Anxiety leads many [adult children of divorce] into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.”
Despite the numerous possible psychological impacts of divorce on children, many still end up having little or no lasting psychological effect. Such positive outcomes result from an ongoing strong emotional bond with either or both parents, good role modeling, and an ongoing cooperative relationship between the divorcing parents.
Boaz “Bo” Weintraub, J.D., LL.M. maintains a family law practice concentrating on custody issues and complex divorce litigation. He may be reached at 425-519-3699 or by email at bw@weintraub-law.com.
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